Welcome, Guest
Username: Password: Remember me

TOPIC: Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection.

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #132

  • monkeymaiden
  • monkeymaiden's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Junior Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 231
  • Thank you received: 73
  • Karma: 3
I remember being about 9 and stating "I don't dream" and also "I have no memories"

Makes so much sense now.
Fuzzy mug.
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #165

  • Nathan Buzby
  • Nathan Buzby's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Senior Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 348
  • Thank you received: 98
  • Karma: 5
I would speculate that we aphantasiacs experience more transience in memory than most people. I can recall very little save for moments of complete and total terror or pain. I try to recall pleasant experiences, like when I felt safe, but I really can't, my memory until about the age of 14 is pretty much related only to trauma and nothing else. In High School I finally managed to hide my meltdowns from the public (at home it was still a disaster) and mastered my diplomatic act, and so it was not nearly as bad, a few holdover conflicts from the Junior High days, but I finally start having fun and happier memories to go along with the mess of early childhood.
Tone Disclaimer: If you read something I write and feel I am trolling, please read it again and imagine instead you are talking to a teacher or professor. I do not write from a place of self-superiority or ego, I favor dialectical conversations that seek to find underlying causation and truth.
The administrator has disabled public write access.
The following user(s) said Thank You: monkeymaiden

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #170

  • Avoch
  • Avoch's Avatar
  • Offline
  • New Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 22
  • Thank you received: 19
  • Karma: 0
Hi Nathan, I'm kind of the opposite to you. I can't recall bad memories. I used to wonder if my brain was blocking out bad things on purpose to "protect" me but now I realise it's just that I'm unable. I can mentally talk myself through good memories, although obviously I can't visualise them at all, but the bad memories (thankfully) are very fuzzy to me.
Last Edit: 3 years 9 months ago by Avoch.
The administrator has disabled public write access.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Nathan Buzby

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #173

  • Nathan Buzby
  • Nathan Buzby's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Senior Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 348
  • Thank you received: 98
  • Karma: 5
Most of mine are fuzzy too, but I have a few that stick out even without visualization. But my childhood was VERY traumatic, bullied at school, home, church, even the boy scouts. Lots of corporal punishment, my elementary school principle pinned me to a wall off the ground by my throat. I was molested and sexually assaulted, told I was possessed by a certain church congregation, that I was evil and horrid (and I had issues, I am autistic, I had violent episodes, or would run away, so I am not saying I can't see how folks reached their wits end with me). But for me it was chronic and inescapable. I speculate that had I the ability to visualize, I would have retreated so far into my head that I would not be here today. Thankfully, they are dulled, I don't have to relive them, so in a way aphantasia may have given me greater resiliency as well. But given the already limited ability to remember things thanks to transience and no mental visual record (or auditory, or olfactory) I am shockingly in one piece, I have a sort of detached air by which I recall these things, but they certainly overshadowed any other happy memories. When I do recount childhood memories that seem happy, they are not my memories at all, but stories told by my family that I have decided to accept as truth given a lack of A) reason to not do so and B) so I have something of a shared experience that is not all trauma.
Tone Disclaimer: If you read something I write and feel I am trolling, please read it again and imagine instead you are talking to a teacher or professor. I do not write from a place of self-superiority or ego, I favor dialectical conversations that seek to find underlying causation and truth.
The administrator has disabled public write access.
The following user(s) said Thank You: monkeymaiden

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #187

  • monkeymaiden
  • monkeymaiden's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Junior Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 231
  • Thank you received: 73
  • Karma: 3
Avoch wrote:
I can't recall bad memories. I used to wonder if my brain was blocking out bad things on purpose to "protect" me but now I realise it's just that I'm unable. I can mentally talk myself through good memories, although obviously I can't visualise them at all, but the bad memories (thankfully) are very fuzzy to me.

Same.
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #188

  • monkeymaiden
  • monkeymaiden's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Junior Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 231
  • Thank you received: 73
  • Karma: 3
Nathan Buzby wrote:
Thankfully, they are dulled, I don't have to relive them, so in a way aphantasia may have given me greater resiliency as well. But given the already limited ability to remember things thanks to transience and no mental visual record (or auditory, or olfactory) I am shockingly in one piece

I have been protected by my own brain I have always believed. I have been asked in the past did I have bad memory because of a truamatic childhood. I think there may be a connection.

Hugs to you.
The administrator has disabled public write access.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Nathan Buzby

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #995

  • phoenixmoon
  • phoenixmoon's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Junior Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 167
  • Thank you received: 45
  • Karma: 6
i have a few small snapshots of memory nothing big jut odd instances none bad none ecstatically good just glimpses in my memory. I can remember in detail the first time i realised i could not visualise during music, i can also remember not being able to recit my times tables and was told just look at the charts and visualise them i never tried after that. I also remember how boring the books were and mostly i just skim read them. there were a few i devoured but now realise they were the one without long rambling descriptions.
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #1481

  • wendi_80
  • wendi_80's Avatar
  • Offline
  • New Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 21
  • Thank you received: 3
  • Karma: 0
I always thought my Mother didn't care for me when I was little because I could never remember us doing things together which were nice or fun only her anger and irritation at me. I remember my Dad being kind and I was passed from relative to relative to look after me.
My sister was 10 when I was born and she had to look after me a lot. I feel such anger and resentment towards my Mother. She is still alive aged 86 but I have no feelings of love towards her. I can feel love. I love my 2 sons deeply. I don't know where this anger comes from and am I justified in feeling this way?
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #1499

  • Nathan Buzby
  • Nathan Buzby's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Senior Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 348
  • Thank you received: 98
  • Karma: 5
Wendi, much like we are learning about ourselves here and also trying to dismiss assumptions made, such as lacking creativity. A human does not act (or fail to act) without reason. In regards to the anger you have against your mother you need to try and get at her neurotype and life experiences. I hold some latent hostility towards my father, but have made a great deal of progress just by gaining a better understanding of him (we are both on the autism spectrum for example). So you need to question if things were neglect, an inability, social issues, extreme introversion, etc. For example, people who have sensory and stimulus overloads may seek solace by being alone, if they are struggling and frequently interrupted, they may not have the cognitive tools available to respond appropriately and thus lash out and push people away, I am not saying this is the case, I do not have enough context to make that assertion, but it is an example.

One thing I see a lot for correlations is domestic violence and abuse and a link to so called "high-functioning autism", the effort it takes to get through a day, the inability to exert control over ones environment, and then to return home and find your "safe place" in disorder or disarray can precipitate an autistic meltdown, which can take many forms from retreating belligerence, to blaming a spouse or child, to lashing out in violence. This is just another example, but as we understand more about neurology and the human mind, we begin to understand that things happen for underlying reasons, folks are not popped out of the womb as "bad or evil", a series of intersections occur between inherent neurology, cultural and societal values, and life experience. Of which multiple things can obfuscate our understanding of what exactly is going on. None of those factors exist in a vacuum, so neurological difficulties such as autism, sensory issues, extreme introversion then intersect with societal pressures and expectations, that can result in depression, trauma, etc as a simple result of being maladaptive to the current social paradigm the individual is in. Likewise, many people lack empathy or sympathy, I am not particularly "feeling" myself, I just happen to have a cognitive make up that allows me to perceive cause and effect and humans systems and how a child ends up as a very damaged adult.

All I am doing here though is trying to get you to contemplate your mother from a new perspective, I am not saying you do not have reasons to be angry, but that anger has less bite and control if you can try and understand some of the personal context of your mother. Even if you do, she may have none of it though, so it certainly is not a panacea for fixing a damaged relationship.
Tone Disclaimer: If you read something I write and feel I am trolling, please read it again and imagine instead you are talking to a teacher or professor. I do not write from a place of self-superiority or ego, I favor dialectical conversations that seek to find underlying causation and truth.
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #1504

  • wendi_80
  • wendi_80's Avatar
  • Offline
  • New Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 21
  • Thank you received: 3
  • Karma: 0
My husband had Asperger's syndrome and he was hard to live with but we were married for 34 years. I have a son with Asperger's and Crohn's disease and another with Lennox Gastaut syndrome. My husband passed away suddenly in 2012 and my mother just said you know how I feel, meaning my father passed away 2 years prior to that after 7 years of vascular dementia. I was laughing and joking with my husband half an hour before he passed away in the shower!
My mum was sent to Czechoslovakia from Germany by the Nazis when she was 12 to boarding school. She was blonde and blue eyed due to her father being Dutch. Her mother and the rest of her 6 siblings were dark haired Slavic looking so they stayed behind in Essen to face the wrath of the British bombing of the Ruhr Valley. I can understand that she was brain washed by the Nazis which accounts for her prejudices against a gamut of different ethnicities. She is totally self absorbed and always has been. My Dad was English and was a fair minded liberal thinking man totally controlled by her when he retired from the army. My sisters 9 and 10 years older than me are still afraid of her. I was never afraid of her I just disliked her intensely. My Mother in law was a beautiful soul who took me under her wing so I thank her for showing me what it is liked to be loved.
The administrator has disabled public write access.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Nathan Buzby

Childhood Aphantasia, a reflection. 3 years 9 months ago #1521

  • christine_11
  • christine_11's Avatar
  • Offline
  • New Aphantasiac
  • Posts: 8
  • Thank you received: 3
  • Karma: 0
I went to a grammar school having passed my 11+. I remember that we started poetry criticism in the first year. I have always loved the sound of words but I couldn't get poetry. One time the teacher commented that we should pay heed to our own mental pictures. I was uncomfortable at grammar school and thought this was another area where I had to try harder so that I would start getting these pictures. I have lived a life thinking that everyone put in more effort and discipline and were rewarded by visualisation so I have never made a big thing about it. I am a bit sad about that!
The administrator has disabled public write access.
Time to create page: 0.184 seconds